I went back and looked at our calendar from a year ago. I could feel myself slipping into quite a bit of a pity party as I rushed from one chore to another in the two hours I have while Chad watches the babies in between their feedings. Complaining about how tired I am, of how there is always something more to do and yet somehow it still never feels like enough.  Grumbling under my breath that the house isn’t clean and I haven’t had a shower and how life has this sense of moving at light speed and yet drag at the same time. So I needed a reminder. A year ago, I was taking Letrizole leading up to a week of shots and an eventual IUI that wasn’t successful and caused a lot of heartache. A year ago, I was more rested and we maybe had a bit more money and I didn’t constantly smell like formula but I was still in a difficult season. This year, we have somehow managed to keep two precious humans alive for 3 and a half months. And according to their pediatrician, they are even thriving. Sure, they have colic and they cry a lot. I might have on occasion (and in one very exhausted stretch) referred to them as tyrants but they are the absolute best things Chad and I have ever seen.

Becoming a mother has only reinforced my big belief in seasons of life.  Last April, it was a season of expectation and waiting. Of hoping, dreaming, weeping, and needles. This year is more characterized by busyness and rushing and colic but I never, ever want to stop the awareness that this is a season of longing fulfilled. Fulfilled in the form of a baby boy who is starting to smile and has learned how to suck his thumb.  Fulfilled in the form of a baby girl who’s favorite thing to do is look at lights and kicks her legs like a Rockette. It’s a hard phase of life in feeling like there is not enough of me to go around but I much prefer this one to where we were a year ago.  To all my friends in that season, I pray for you. I can’t promise that God will do for you what He has done for me but I pray that whatever your heart longs for, you will be fulfilled. In Jesus, if nothing else.

Luke and Leia were conceived in a doctor’s office in downtown Charlotte. Not exactly what we always dreamed of to grow our family but I was reminded of a pretty cool thing yesterday. I didn’t want such a holy moment to feel so sterile and impersonal so I asked if I could play some music on my phone during our procedure. I cannot hear those songs today without having tears pour down my face. And the song that was playing when they did the IUI that resulted in my precious twins? “Every Season” by Nichole Nordeman. It’s a song I have loved since college and how appropriate that it’s the song that will always remind me of getting my greatest desire of starting family with Chad fulfilled.

This season of colic and constipation and 7 feedings a day will end. I know that I will look back someday and miss it. Miss being able to hold them both in my arms and, to a large degree protect them. The next season will probably be equally as hard. The opportunity to complain will likely rise again and I hope that God gently pushes me to remember as He did today. That every season may tough but in every season, He is faithful.

Every Season by Nichole Nordeman 

Every evening sky, an invitation
To trace the patterned stars
And early in July, a celebration
For freedom that is ours
And I notice You
In children’s games
In those who watch them from the shade
Every drop of sun is full of fun and wonder
You are summer

And even when the trees have just surrendered
To the harvest time
Forfeiting their leaves in late September
And sending us inside
Still I notice You when change begins
And I am braced for colder winds
I will offer thanks for what has been and was to come
You are autumn

And everything in time and under heaven
Finally falls asleep
Wrapped in blankets white, all creation
Shivers underneath
And still I notice you
When branches crack
And in my breath on frosted glass
Even now in death, You open doors for life to enter
You are winter

And everything that’s new has bravely surfaced
Teaching us to breathe
What was frozen through is newly purposed
Turning all things green
So it is with You
And how You make me new
With every season’s change
And so it will be
As You are re-creating me
Summer, autumn, winter, spring


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